There's nothing as crippling or disempowering as carrying sexual shame.
Think about it.
What are the things you're most ashamed of, or most afraid of being judged or rejected for? You know: the things you hope no one ever discovers about you?
More than likely, they have something to do with either sex or your sexuality.
Husbands masturbate in secret to porn they'd feel ashamed for their partners to find out about. Wives secretly fantasize about someone who gives them the kind of attention and significance they don't get from their partners. People on the dating scene conceal their kinks and unusual sexual desires so they don't scare potential partners away.
For others, like me, the heaviness of sexual shame manifests as a shut-down of sexual desire, creating all kinds of pain and drama within our relationships.
At some point, many of us realize that we don't want to feel this way about our sexuality anymore, but we don't know what to do about it. I get it. Life happens. Kids happen. Financial stress happens. Health issues happen. Where does sexual liberation and healing practically fit in?
The truth is, IT DOESN'T. Unless you decide to break the cycle.
I know that may be hard to hear, and I get it. This was a hard pill for me to swallow when my husband and I were in the thick of our biggest wake-up call several years ago. At the time, we'd been married for just over a decade, with four kids. The unexpected health issues he faced led to a two and a half year period of depression and disability, couch-ridden and unable to even pick up our baby. Overwhelmed, exhausted, and at the end of my rope taking care of not only our four kids but also my husband AND our financial survival, I developed an autoimmune disorder that led to a hellish 13 months of feeling trapped in my body.
To say that healing my sexual wounds wasn't a priority for me would be an understatement. I felt like I had to force myself to be more sexual, just to keep matters from getting worse. I hated the feeling that sex was a bandaid, instead of something I could eagerly look forward to. It was easier to blame HIM for being sex-obsessed (when really, he was starved of connection within sex) than it was to take an honest look at the many layers of sexual shame, religious programming, and feelings of unworthiness within ME. In being out of touch with my true desires, I continued to be out of touch with him, with my kids, and with my life at large.
But it wasn't just me struggling; he was facing the same fears and insecurities, in his own way. He was the overly accommodating nice guy who could never seem to get what he really wanted (to be desired, seen, accepted, hungered for), and I was the cautious, people-pleasing good girl who could never seem to give herself permission to break free from the weight of others' expectations. We both felt lost on where to find a solution, struggling with sexual shame and feelings of sexual brokenness, thinking that maybe another sex book or a new position to fuck in would fix it.
It never did.
What did transform our sex life AND relationship was our willingness to finally face the inner darkness. The heavy stuff in life began to feel less daunting as we began to share, heal, and explore the deepest, darkest recesses of our sexuality.
Instead of seeing our sexuality as an impossible puzzle we needed to solve, we began to work through challenges with more playfulness. Instead of seeing every disappointing sexual encounter as a threat to our ego, we began to learn from our triggers.
"Great," you may be thinking,"YOU have a partner who's on board with doing his own sexual healing, but what if I don't?"
I'm here to tell you that it only takes ONE to begin doing the work, for the entire relationship to shift.
In fact, for the first several years of exploring our sexual shadows, Ryan and I were rarely totally committed to the process at the same time. There were many seasons where one or the other of us was more committed to their sexual healing and growth than the other, until we both got on board with the same VISION.
The key is to commit to yourself for YOU: Your healing, your inner freedom, your wholeness, your expansion. The rest will be revealed as you continue unraveling from cultural, societal, and/or religious programming about what your sexuality should look like.
Ready to experience what it feels like to be sexually liberated and truly UNLOCKED as a human being? I invite you to join us for UNRAVEL: 14 Days of Sexual Reclamation.
UNRAVEL is a 100% virtual program where you will be guided through practices to help you release energetic & mindset blocks around your sexuality, sexual trauma stored in the body, and painful patterns that have persisted in your sex life.
Within the safe space of our virtual community, you will be challenged to step outside of your comfort zone as you cultivate deeper self-trust and radical honesty with your desires and fears.
Throughout our 14 days together, you will also have opportunities for live coaching, where you can share current challenges, questions, and "aha" moments that come up along the way. Whether single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, UNRAVEL is here to help you explore your sexual shadow and break through in profound, life-changing ways.
My promise to you is to provide lifelong tools within a safe space where you can explore, share, discover, heal, and grow, so you can experience the sexually liberated life your heart craves.
Spaces are limited, and we'll begin UNRAVELING together Saturday, October 23rd!
Experience the healing power of your sexual energy.
Uncover what may be beneath the surface of your sexual desires, taboos, and kinks.
Feel the freedom of letting your heart want what it wants, and the power of clarifying your vision for the future.
Learn how to release sexual shame and religious trauma that has impacted your sexuality.
I invite you and your lover to join us for the virtual 25 Days of Play, October 23rd through November 16th. Limited spaces available!
Once you register, be on the lookout for log-in details within 24 hours. They will be sent to the email associated with your PayPal account.
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